"Yeah, Peyton did have a form of stem cell therapy illegal here in the US," confirmed Colts Team Owner Jim Irsay. "I took the trip with him. Figured he could use some extra help and company. We got separated after I insisted we stop at this coffee shop in Amsterdam, but I found him a few days and many bags of chips later. He told me he had found a guy in a dingy pub in Hamburg, Germany who performed the therapy for 34 US cents and a new bowl of bar nuts."
But how did the procedure go?
'Eh... Well, there's been some... complications," Irsay says, his eyes shifting wildly. "Obviously it wasn't as effective as we wanted it to be. It actually kind of backfired on us... The most recent surgery wasn't exactly performed to heal the nerves in Peyton's neck, it was done to remove the growth." Irsay speaks the last few words in a slurred fashion as if he hopes I do not understand them and do not question them...
A "growth"?
"Well, it was a little growth. Nothing Peyton couldn't have lived with, mind you," iterates Irsay... "It was actually kind of useful in a way. I saw him use it as a cup holder on a couple of occasions, and I imagine it made scratching the hard-to-reach place between your shoulder blades a breeze. Unfortunately though, it also made obscene gestures to innocent bystanders, and gave Peyton and others 'wet willy's' at inappropriate times. There was also an incident in which it tried to throttle Coach Caldwell, and that's when we decided it needed to be removed."
This sounds like a significant growth. How did no one see it?
"Well, it took some camera tricks. We made sure not to show it on TV, and not to let people take pictures of it. We had anyone who tried to report it taken care of quickly and discretely. But I took a picture of it. Here, have a look."
Irsay passes me the following photo:
"Yep. It's an arm. Growing out of his neck. Nothing serious. It just became an inconvenience for the team when it began slapping Jeff Linkenbach at every chance. We had it removed by the best doctor we could find for under 35 bucks, and I think that guy in the alley did a good job."
When asked if there was any timetable for Manning's return Irsay could only guess: Well, it's just hard to say. This is only the third time we've had stem cell therapy go wrong (Marvin Harrison, who grew a second head who had an extreme knack for violence, Bob Sanders, who grew a clone of himself that detached from his body and is now rumored to be playing for San Diego [The real Bob Sanders is still on our IR] and Anthony Gonzalez, who therapy did nothing for because he is beyond help) and we're just not sure how long recovery from such a medical disaster takes."
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