Great ready to have your mind blown: Peyton Manning isn't injured. Seriously. He's just got other shit to do this fall.
I met for a meal with Manning Friday night at the Taco Bell on the corner of Washington Street and Lynhurst Avenue, and Peyton was kind enough to speak to me on the record as he downed soft tacos three at a time.
"Truth is, I'm just busy man. Got a lot on my plate, you know," said Manning with a mouth full of taco. "It's like all the shit around the house that needs done has caught up to me all at once and now I need the time to do it. Take this weekend, for instance... My porch light has been shorting out for months now, and it's just unacceptable. I think Eli screwed it up last time he was over. I caught him trying to hang on it like a monkey or something," Manning said, visibly shaking with anger and squashing a taco in his hand.
So how did he do it? How did Manning pull off the greatest ruse in NFL and sports media history? "Well that was simple: I told them my eyebrow was hurting and they let me go home," admits Manning. "It's not like they could have stopped me, though. I was gone regardless. I haven't pruned my hedges since July. You can't stop a man with un-pruned hedges."
When I asked Manning how seemingly menial jobs to be done around the house could take him all season to finish he confided in me that he also has some bigger plans for this winter: "I'm building a fallout shelter," Manning said, lowering his voice and leaning in as if not to let a word slip to anyone around us. "I'm not sure if you've heard yet, but there's this 2012 thing next year... Shit's gonna go down. Gonna be real ugly and stuff. So I'm building an underground shelter to escape all of that and keep myself safe. The Mayan calendar is going to end and so is the world as we know it, and I don't know about you, but I want to be prepared when the shit hits the fan."
I reached out to Jeff Saturday, Manning's longtime center and friend, fearing that Peyton had become unstable mentally. Saturday gave me no reason to think otherwise. "Well, yeah, he has been acting weird for a few months. He called me up in May to go hunting for crop circles with him, and he showed up to practice last week with his head wrapped completely in aluminum foil with little slits for his eyes claiming he was trying to keep his thoughts from being stolen by the government, aliens, and the Titans. It took me a while to realize it was him at first because Jim Irsay comes to work like that every day. Once I figured out it was Peyton I knew we might have a problem."
So it appears that Manning is fine physically. Mentally, though, seems to be a whole other story...
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