lolColtz: Week 2 2011

Note: Kind of a short edition this week. (I'm still not sure how many images these columns will typically contain. When I see one I can use, I grab it. So maybe it's average, I don't know...) I will be doing a couple more stories this week, so check back for them. If I can find (or make up) enough material I will try to post a story Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Stem Cell Research Goes Horribly Awry For Manning

Today news emerged that Colts quarterback Peyton Manning flew to Europe before his latest surgery to seek out a form of Stem Cell therapy that is currently illegal in the USA. After the report surfaced I began digging to attempt to unearth the facts, and naturally, I was able to unearth all the disturbing details.

"Yeah, Peyton did have a form of stem cell therapy illegal here in the US," confirmed Colts Team Owner Jim Irsay. "I took the trip with him. Figured he could use some extra help and company. We got separated after I insisted we stop at this coffee shop in Amsterdam, but I found him a few days and many bags of chips later. He told me he had found a guy in a dingy pub in Hamburg, Germany who performed the therapy for 34 US cents and a new bowl of bar nuts."

But how did the procedure go?

'Eh... Well, there's been some... complications," Irsay says, his eyes shifting wildly. "Obviously it wasn't as effective as we wanted it to be. It actually kind of backfired on us... The most recent surgery wasn't exactly performed to heal the nerves in Peyton's neck, it was done to remove the growth." Irsay speaks the last few words in a slurred fashion as if he hopes I do not understand them and do not question them...

A "growth"?

"Well, it was a little growth. Nothing Peyton couldn't have lived with, mind you," iterates Irsay... "It was actually kind of useful in a way. I saw him use it as a cup holder on a couple of occasions, and I imagine it made scratching the hard-to-reach place between your shoulder blades a breeze. Unfortunately though, it also made obscene gestures to innocent bystanders, and gave Peyton and others 'wet willy's' at inappropriate times. There was also an incident in which it tried to throttle Coach Caldwell, and that's when we decided it needed to be removed."

This sounds like a significant growth. How did no one see it?

"Well, it took some camera tricks. We made sure not to show it on TV, and not to let people take pictures of it. We had anyone who tried to report it taken care of quickly and discretely. But I took a picture of it. Here, have a look."

Irsay passes me the following photo:

"Yep. It's an arm. Growing out of his neck. Nothing serious. It just became an inconvenience for the team when it began slapping Jeff Linkenbach at every chance. We had it removed by the best doctor we could find for under 35 bucks, and I think that guy in the alley did a good job."

When asked if there was any timetable for Manning's return Irsay could only guess: Well, it's just hard to say. This is only the third time we've had stem cell therapy go wrong (Marvin Harrison, who grew a second head who had an extreme knack for violence, Bob Sanders, who grew a clone of himself that detached from his body and is now rumored to be playing for San Diego [The real Bob Sanders is still on our IR] and Anthony Gonzalez, who therapy did nothing for because he is beyond help) and we're just not sure how long recovery from such a medical disaster takes."

Colts Offensive Line to Revolutionize Blocking Against The Browns

The Indianapolis Colts offensive line, by all accounts and opinions, did an awful job blocking for their quarterback and running backs in their season opener against the Houston Texans this past weekend. The blocking up front has, for a while now, been one of the Colts biggest weaknesses. They have tried several different lineups and techniques to make things better, but so far none have seemed to work.

Until now.

Recently in practice the offensive line tried out a technique that produced surprising, and extremely useful results:

Line dancing.

"Well, nothing else was working, you know, and finally one play I suggested we do the Boot, Scoot, 'n Boogy after the ball was snapped and Jeff was like 'Sure, why not?' so we did it and surprisingly it worked," explains Guard Ryan Diem. "Jeff snapped the ball and off we went. The defensive line was so stunned by our actions they just kind of stopped and stood there, watching trying to figure out what we were doing... The linebackers did as well, and the members of the secondary took notice to. They ended up blowing their assignments and Donald Brown took a handoff and got positive yardage out of it. It was a special moment, for sure."

Jeff Saturday was skeptical at first, but has quickly become a believer. "Well, I did it just to humor Ryan. He's been begging to do it for years, and finally I just gave in. So we did it and it worked, man, it just worked. The defense was thrown off guard so much by it they didn't know whether to shit or go blind. Jeff Linkenbach has been doing it his whole career, so in a strange twist it turns out he's been our best offensive linemen his entire time here. The Browns have no idea what's coming. We have a routine to 'Achy, Breaky Heart' by Billy Ray Cyrus that's so good even Bill Polian is trying to get in on the action."

So how did the defenders feel about it? "Man, I was confused as hell," said Dwight Freeney. "Jeff snapped the ball and then they were clapping, toe tapping, and spinning in unison like it was 1994. We really didn't know what to think."

The defense's performance in Houston wasn't much better than that of the offensive line, and when asked if they were trying to come up with unique ways to improve their unit Robert Mathis confided that ideas were being tossed around. "We discussed it, sure. I think at one point on Sunday you're going to see us four down linemen break into a square dance once the Browns snap the ball. The linebackers are talking about starting a mosh-pit, and the secondary has been practicing the dance that the 'Peanuts' kids do. We figure it'll confuse the hell out of the Browns, so it's worth a try, right?"

When asked whether or not these techniques would be an official part of Sunday's gameplan, Coach Jim Caldwell remained mum: "Well, I mean, it couldn't make things any worse than it was last weekend, could it?"

Let's all hope not...

lolColtz: Week 1 2011

Note: From now on, our weekly pictorial post from the previous weeks game will be scheduled for a Wednesday posting instead of hours after the game. Give me some time to work ;)

lolcoltz Exclusive: Manning Faking Injury

Great ready to have your mind blown: Peyton Manning isn't injured. Seriously. He's just got other shit to do this fall.

I met for a meal with Manning Friday night at the Taco Bell on the corner of Washington Street and Lynhurst Avenue, and Peyton was kind enough to speak to me on the record as he downed soft tacos three at a time.

"Truth is, I'm just busy man. Got a lot on my plate, you know," said Manning with a mouth full of taco. "It's like all the shit around the house that needs done has caught up to me all at once and now I need the time to do it. Take this weekend, for instance... My porch light has been shorting out for months now, and it's just unacceptable. I think Eli screwed it up last time he was over. I caught him trying to hang on it like a monkey or something," Manning said, visibly shaking with anger and squashing a taco in his hand.

So how did he do it? How did Manning pull off the greatest ruse in NFL and sports media history? "Well that was simple: I told them my eyebrow was hurting and they let me go home," admits Manning. "It's not like they could have stopped me, though. I was gone regardless. I haven't pruned my hedges since July. You can't stop a man with un-pruned hedges."

When I asked Manning how seemingly menial jobs to be done around the house could take him all season to finish he confided in me that he also has some bigger plans for this winter: "I'm building a fallout shelter," Manning said, lowering his voice and leaning in as if not to let a word slip to anyone around us. "I'm not sure if you've heard yet, but there's this 2012 thing next year... Shit's gonna go down. Gonna be real ugly and stuff. So I'm building an underground shelter to escape all of that and keep myself safe. The Mayan calendar is going to end and so is the world as we know it, and I don't know about you, but I want to be prepared when the shit hits the fan."

I reached out to Jeff Saturday, Manning's longtime center and friend, fearing that Peyton had become unstable mentally. Saturday gave me no reason to think otherwise. "Well, yeah, he has been acting weird for a few months. He called me up in May to go hunting for crop circles with him, and he showed up to practice last week with his head wrapped completely in aluminum foil with little slits for his eyes claiming he was trying to keep his thoughts from being stolen by the government, aliens, and the Titans. It took me a while to realize it was him at first because Jim Irsay comes to work like that every day. Once I figured out it was Peyton I knew we might have a problem."

So it appears that Manning is fine physically. Mentally, though, seems to be a whole other story...

lolColtz: Pre-Season Week 4 2011

News: Peyton Manning to Throw with his Left Arm

With much of the focus in the world of NFL news being centered on Peyton Manning and his impending availability for the Colts week 1 season opener in Houston, I can now confirm to you that Manning will play, but it will look quite different from the Manning we're used to.

"Well, I got the idea while watching "Rocky II" last week," says Manning in an exclusive interview with lolcoltz. "Micky wanted Rocky to change his stance halfway through the fight to confuse Apollo Creed and it just made sense to me, you know? So I went out and started practicing it in the backyard and sure enough, I was no worse with my left arm than Curtis Painter is with any hand, so I was just like 'Hell yeah, lets roll with it' and that's how it came about.

"I started doing it in practice this week, and it was going so well Coach Caldwell had to take a sick day. He was afraid he'd suddenly become dyslexic," Manning confided...

The switch in a blind side has taken the pressure of protection from rookie left tackle Anthony Costanzo and instead put it on newly christened RT Jeff Linkenbach's shoulders. In a telephone interview with lolcoltz Linkenbach confided that the change has not changed the way he approaches his game.

"I really have no idea what's going on when I'm out there. Never have, in fact. I just kinda hang out and push someone and see if it works."

The change in Manning's throwing arm will certainly cause even more sleepless nights for the fellow coaches in the AFC South. I took the liberty of calling Texans Head Coach Gary Kubiak Thursday afternoon and asking him how the possibility of such a thing would affect he and his team for week 1. I got no answer from Kubiak, who simply started sobbing uncontrollably on the other end, hanging up seconds later.

As I asked the same question to Jack Del Rio this afternoon I heard only a single gunshot in response. The call ended abruptly after that. Titans coach Mike Munchak was unavailable for comment, most likely breaking up a wild brawl taking place in Titans practice. It's also possible that he has become a hostage to the beard of Jake Scott, but undoubtedly no one will get close enough to find out, fearing a similar fate for themselves.

This undoubtedly means Manning will be starting in week 1, which means newly signed Kerry Collins won't get the chance. When asked if this upset Collins any he was quick to answer "Absolutely not... Getting paid to do nothing is the American dream. I live the dream and a half: I'll be getting paid to do nothing, and be free to haze Curtis Painter in my free time." (I'm not sure what a "Tennessee Teapot" is but Collins says Painter should be ready for one next time they meet in the showers.)

The newly trained left handed Manning will make his debut in Houston next Sunday, September 11th 2011.