Colts Offensive Line to Revolutionize Blocking Against The Browns

The Indianapolis Colts offensive line, by all accounts and opinions, did an awful job blocking for their quarterback and running backs in their season opener against the Houston Texans this past weekend. The blocking up front has, for a while now, been one of the Colts biggest weaknesses. They have tried several different lineups and techniques to make things better, but so far none have seemed to work.

Until now.

Recently in practice the offensive line tried out a technique that produced surprising, and extremely useful results:

Line dancing.

"Well, nothing else was working, you know, and finally one play I suggested we do the Boot, Scoot, 'n Boogy after the ball was snapped and Jeff was like 'Sure, why not?' so we did it and surprisingly it worked," explains Guard Ryan Diem. "Jeff snapped the ball and off we went. The defensive line was so stunned by our actions they just kind of stopped and stood there, watching trying to figure out what we were doing... The linebackers did as well, and the members of the secondary took notice to. They ended up blowing their assignments and Donald Brown took a handoff and got positive yardage out of it. It was a special moment, for sure."

Jeff Saturday was skeptical at first, but has quickly become a believer. "Well, I did it just to humor Ryan. He's been begging to do it for years, and finally I just gave in. So we did it and it worked, man, it just worked. The defense was thrown off guard so much by it they didn't know whether to shit or go blind. Jeff Linkenbach has been doing it his whole career, so in a strange twist it turns out he's been our best offensive linemen his entire time here. The Browns have no idea what's coming. We have a routine to 'Achy, Breaky Heart' by Billy Ray Cyrus that's so good even Bill Polian is trying to get in on the action."

So how did the defenders feel about it? "Man, I was confused as hell," said Dwight Freeney. "Jeff snapped the ball and then they were clapping, toe tapping, and spinning in unison like it was 1994. We really didn't know what to think."

The defense's performance in Houston wasn't much better than that of the offensive line, and when asked if they were trying to come up with unique ways to improve their unit Robert Mathis confided that ideas were being tossed around. "We discussed it, sure. I think at one point on Sunday you're going to see us four down linemen break into a square dance once the Browns snap the ball. The linebackers are talking about starting a mosh-pit, and the secondary has been practicing the dance that the 'Peanuts' kids do. We figure it'll confuse the hell out of the Browns, so it's worth a try, right?"

When asked whether or not these techniques would be an official part of Sunday's gameplan, Coach Jim Caldwell remained mum: "Well, I mean, it couldn't make things any worse than it was last weekend, could it?"

Let's all hope not...